How to Be Good at Managing Stress

High workloads, major life changes, job insecurity, conflict with family members, financial instability and multiple other factors can be a source of stress for you. Poor lifestyle choices, negative thinking patterns or a tendency to worry excessively can exacerbate these stressors making it difficult to lead a happy and healthy life.  

Under stress, the body’s nervous system activates, leading to a state of heightened arousal. This can result in racing thoughts, making it difficult to quiet the mind and focus on the present moment. Left unhandled, stress can evoke a sense of loss of control, making you feel helpless or powerless. It can feed into your overthinking tendency, creating a vicious cycle that’s hard to break.

You can’t avoid stress, but you can certainly learn to manage it well. To do this, you need to apply the right strategies by taking charge and acting before it’s too late.

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. 
— Jon Kabat-Zinn

You can respond to any life stress in four possible ways:

• Avoid the stressor (Change the situation)
• Alter the stressor (Change the situation)
• Adapt to the stressor (Change your reaction)
• Accept the stressor (Change your reaction)

Avoid the stressor

You may let stress into your life without realizing that you have a choice in deciding what you let in and what you leave out. 

While you can’t control everything, a part of your stress is voluntary as you fail to recognize people, situations, or activities that trigger stress and refuse to walk away from them. Avoiding stress does not mean ignoring problems or running away from responsibilities. It’s learning to say no to people, situations or problems that demand too much of your mental energy and are either unnecessary or harmful.

For example:

• Certain news topics trigger your anxiety? Avoid consuming news before bedtime.
• Feeling overwhelmed by social commitments this week? Avoid taking on additional tasks or obligations.
• Some people at work spread negativity and pessimism? Avoid interacting with them unless absolutely necessary. 

Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.
— Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Minimize exposure to unnecessary stressors in your life:

• Know your limits and learn to say no to activities that stretch those limits.
• Avoid people who stress you out by limiting the amount of time you spend with them or ending the relationship entirely.
• Skip stressful activities or events that are not mandatory.

Don’t allow stress to enter your life for things within your control. Exercise your power. Decide. Make a conscious choice.   

Alter the stressor

If you can’t avoid the situation, the next step is to try to change it in a way that makes it more bearable and less taxing for you. This often involves clearly stating what you want and communicating your needs upfront or proactively taking steps to minimize overwhelming situations—set boundaries, delegate tasks, or seek support from others. 

For example:

• Got too much on your plate? Alter your schedule by prioritizing tasks and breaking them down into smaller, more manageable steps.
• Possibility of a conflict with your mother-in-law over the upcoming festivities? Define boundaries and clearly communicate areas where they can be involved and things that are off limits.
• Can’t avoid your neighbor’s party that you hate attending? Set upfront expectations that you have an early morning meeting and need to leave the party early.

Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
— Henry Cloud, Boundaries

Alter the situation to reduce the stressor and lessen their impact:

• Delegate tasks at work to reduce workload and pressure.
• Set boundaries and communicate openly with others to address sources of tension or conflict.
• Seek alternative routes or methods to handle the situation more efficiently.

It’s impossible to avoid all stress inducing situations, but you can minimize their impact by consciously planning and communicating your expectations in a manner that they work in your favor instead of against you.

Adapt to the stressor

When you can’t avoid or alter the stressful situation, adapting and adjusting your response to it can do the trick. This involves looking at the situation through a different lens—one that treats challenge as an opportunity—by changing your perspective, expanding your mindset and realigning your expectations. Adapting to the situation this way changes the way you approach it. Instead of dwelling on the problem, you think about alternative ways to respond that may be more constructive or beneficial.

For example:

• Facing health issues that disrupt your workout schedule? Adapt by modifying your exercise routine to include low-impact activities that still promote physical well-being.
• Facing a setback in your personal goals? Adapt by reframing it as a temporary setback rather than a permanent failure. Use this experience to reassess your approach and make necessary adjustments to continue moving forward.
• Experiencing financial strain? Adapt by creating a budget and exploring cost-saving measures to alleviate immediate stress while working towards long-term stability.

Your stress mindset shapes everything from the emotions you feel during a stressful situation to the way you cope with stressful events. That, in turn, can determine whether you thrive under stress or end up burned out and depressed. The good news is, even if you are firmly convinced that stress is harmful, you can still cultivate a mindset that helps you thrive.
— Kelly McGonigal, The Upside of Stress

Adapt to the situation by changing your perspective:

• Adjust expectations and goals to align with current circumstances, allowing for more realistic and achievable outcomes.
• Adopt a positive mindset by reframing challenges as opportunities for growth and learning.
• Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with positive self-talk. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes or face setbacks.

When dealing with stress, your mindset determines how you process the things around you and how you act. Negative mindset can trigger defeatist behavior making you lose confidence and hope in your skills and abilities while a positive mindset can enable you to find solutions to even the most difficult setbacks and challenges. Manage stress by viewing things differently. 

Accept the stressor

When you can’t avoid, alter or adapt to a situation, it’s wise to accept that it’s simply beyond your control and trying to change it will lead to a dead-end. Acceptance does not mean agreeing with what’s happening or denying how you feel about it. It’s coming to terms with your emotions while acknowledging things you can’t change so that you can focus on what you can.

For example:

• Your flight got delayed and you’re going to miss an important meeting. There’s nothing you can do about it. Accept the situation and use the time to relax.
• You didn’t get the promotion you hoped for. Accept that it wasn’t meant to be and focus on improving your skills for future opportunities.
• You experience a significant personal loss which is heartbreaking. Accept that it’s a natural part of life. Focus on grieving in a healthy way and find ways to honor the memory of what you’ve lost.

Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.
— Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Embrace the reality that certain stressors are beyond your control:

• Acknowledge limitations and imperfections rather than striving for unattainable perfection.
• Let go of the need for control over uncontrollable situations or outcomes.
• Practice mindfulness and self-compassion to accept difficult emotions without judgment.

Worrying about things outside your control can lead to feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and increased feelings of victimization. Spending time on things within your control can improve mental health, build resilience and promote overall well-being. Stop wasting time on things you can’t control. Accept them and move on. 

Kill your stressor now 

Whenever you feel stressed out, answer these questions to manage stress effectively and feel in control of your life. 

What’s stressing you right now?

• Avoid: Can you remove it entirely or avoid it altogether?
• Alter: What can you do to change it?
• Adapt: What opportunities does this situation present? What are the different approaches to solve it?
• Accept: What’s beyond your control in this situation? How can you make space for the emotions you’re experiencing and accept what you can’t change?

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
— Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Don’t let the non-stop demands of work, home and other responsibilities keep you stressed, anxious and overwhelmed. Keep it in control by minimizing exposure, managing expectations, reframing the situation and accepting things you can’t change. 

Summary

1. Stress often signals that you’re doing worthwhile work, but letting it all in without learning to manage it can also be unhealthy. Left unhandled, it can spiral out of control making it difficult to live a happy and healthy life.
2. You can manage stress by either changing your situation (avoid, alter) or changing how you react to it (adapt, accept).  
3. Stress starts to enter your life when you feel at the mercy of other people, situations or circumstances instead of playing an active role in deciding what you let in and what you leave out. Don’t oblige to every request that comes your way or force yourself to be around people who spread negativity and pessimism. Know it’s a choice.
4. When avoiding certain people or situations is not an option, consider setting boundaries and clarifying expectations by clearly communicating your needs upfront. Stating what’s acceptable and what’s not can make it more bearable and less taxing for you. 
5. A large part of your stress comes from not what happens to you, but how you react to it. Adopting a learning mindset that embraces challenges as opportunities, considering different possibilities and using mistakes to restrategize and progress can unburden your mind leading to less stress and more calm in life. 
6. Finally, some things are absolutely not within your control and worrying about them will not make them disappear. Instead of focusing on what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create. Accepting what you can’t change is a very liberating experience.

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