Demystifying Negotiations: Powerful Tool To Transform Your Life

Published March 5, 2020 · Updated May 19, 2021

When we think about negotiations, our first thoughts are about uncomfortable discussions in which one side wins and the other loses. Approached with a win-lose mentality, fear can get in the way and cripple our chance of a fair negotiation.

We typically negotiate multiple times during the day without realising it’s a negotiation and the impact it has on our work and growth. Consider some of these activities and think about how you handle them:

“How do you agree to project timelines?”
“When sharing your viewpoint, are you being heard?”
“Who defines the team goals and how it will be measured?”
“Decision to accumulate tech debt at the cost of a quick time-to-market?”
“Work from home specific day of the week?”
“Taking time off to attend to personal needs?”

Salary hikes, promotions and job offers are natural candidates for negotiation and usually the ones that get our maximum attention. But can we handle the beast without understanding the fundamentals of combat?

Won’t it be most beneficial to learn the art of negotiation in our day-to-day work. Once we master it and establish the confidence to influence our daily decisions, it will be super useful and rewarding to apply these skills to control other larger aspects of our growth.

Get rid of the negative to get to the positive

Situation, timing, culture, gender and perceptions play a large role in determining the outcome of the negotiation.

Does it make sense to negotiate with a person who does not like you or holds specific beliefs about you. How about talking to your manager about promotion right after you screw up or bringing up a salary hike when the company is laying off people to reduce its costs?

We live in a biased world where certain behaviours are admissible in one gender while abhorred in the other. Women are punished for being assertive while the same quality is celebrated in a man.

There are images attached by our society that determine how someone is expected to behave. There’s clearly a difference in the expectations of men and women under specific situations and circumstances.

Unless the world is rid of these biases, be mindful that they exist. Study the specific dynamics of your work environment to counteract gender stereotypes and get rid of other barriers to approach negotiation with a positive mindset.

From Christopher Voss, top FBI hostage negotiator

Great negotiation is about great collaboration. You’re in negotiations all day long. If you want somebody to say yes to anything, you’re in a negotiation. If someone is trying to get you to say yes to something, you’re in a negotiation. If you say, I want or you think I need, you’re in a negotiation. You’re probably in three to seven negotiations every single day. The stereotype of negotiation is that it’s about being the biggest jerk in the room, that it’s who’s the loudest, who’s the most aggressive, who takes the most at the other person’s expense. The stereotype is that I win means you got to lose, and I beat you. That is not the case

Art of letting the other side have your way

Negotiation may seem like a game of power and authority that the other person has over you. It makes us ask “What will be acceptable to them” even before we had a chance to completely explore what we truly desire.

We waste time thinking about the resistance we might face and the impact it may have on our future. The fear of outcome and the difficulties along the way makes us negotiate with ourselves. We compromise and give away important things without even making an effort to understand the reality.

Powerful negotiation starts with a positive mentality. It requires exploring possibilities without worrying about the limitations. It entails the drive to influence decision making by establishing trust through empathy. It demands confidence in our own abilities and the desire to create a better future by taking control of our own growth.

I will discuss the 5 skills and strategies in negotiation that you need to master to take control of the outcome. Let’s learn about them:

Negotiation Strategy #1: Be clear with the intent

Intent is the backbone of any conversation. Think about the objective with an unbiased view by challenging your own thoughts and beliefs. Go beyond your perceptions and view of reality by questioning your intent.

Ask yourself some of these questions and think deeply about them without any distractions:

“What’s the problem you are trying to solve?”
“What outcome do you desire?”
“What emotions are driving this intent?”
“Is this something you want or something that you need?”
“Is it rational? How?”
“How much do you care about it?”
“Are there any inherent assumptions driving this intent? Have you validated them?”

Negotiation Strategy #2: Prepare and practice

Every negotiation is unique with different circumstances, objectives and people driving it. Entering a negotiation without thorough preparation and practice can put you in a situation where you agree to an outcome you did not desire.

It’s a choice to act in the knowledge or react without it.

Imagine the discussion in your mind, think through the different areas, write down the questions the other person might ask and prepare your responses. Practice your tone and observe your body language.

While you will not be able to guess everything they might ask, it will help you establish a clear line of thinking about your own goals and negotiate better during the actual conversation. Be prepared for the unprepared by inquiring:

“What do you know about the person you are interacting with?”
“What other alternatives will be acceptable to you?”
“Do you have enough data to support your request?”
“What will you do if the other person is rude or refuses to negotiate?”

Negotiation Strategy #3: Frame it right

Words play a huge role in how others perceive our request and how they act. We need to be aware of the framing effect as this cognitive bias makes people favour certain possibilities over others.

How we chose to frame can limit our options or open us to new solutions we didn’t know existed.

Humans are also susceptible to the illusion of transparency. We believe that others are aware of our mental state in how we feel and what we want. Our emotions get in the way of effective communication which requires stating facts and repeating what we want multiple times till it registers in the human mind.

Adopt these simple and powerful techniques to message it right:

Keep the discussion about the problem. Do not let the person, their attitude or your personal conflict get in the way of what you want to achieve
Communicate with respect
Always use a positive tone. Irrespective of the circumstances, do not fall into the trap of emotional outbursts. Use self control to take charge of your feelings.
Never say “Ok” when you don’t agree with their viewpoint. Reflect using “hmmm…”. Use silence as a tool to give them a chance to speak up and offer other ideas that might be more congruent with what you desire.
Do not speak directly about what you want. Build up a narrative around your goal and mention it casually as part of the discussion.
Do not use words like “I think” or “I believe”. Reflect confidence in your choice of words.

E.g. If you want to speak to your manager about promotion, do not say “I want to talk to you about my promotion”. Rather frame it as “I have spent 2 years in this company. I really enjoy my work and learnt a lot in the last 2 years. I have also stepped up in my responsibilities and performed at the next level. On several occasions, I have helped team members with their work (add more data points). I am now ready to take on the challenges of the next level. What do you think?”

An open ended question like this is very powerful to encourage dialogue and establish strong grounds for a powerful negotiation.

Negotiation Strategy #4: Seek to understand

In The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey stated a principle that’s highly relevant to negotiations “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

Show genuine curiosity to understand the other person. Listen to them actively and try to understand their viewpoint. Validate your thought process based on how they perceive it.

Learn the constraints of the other side. In a company, many procedures and policies need to be followed around decisions. Take interest to identify what flexibility is possible and how your interest fits into the possibilities. It will help both sides think of creative solutions to the problem.

Inquire how they make decisions by learning not only what they think about your proposal, but also how they feel about it. Emotions drive a lot of decisions, facts are not enough.

Ask really good questions to understand their point of view, what drives them and what are their goals. This knowledge will help you find an alignment of your ideas to their goals.

Daniel Kahneman, American psychologist and economist notable for his work on the psychology of judgment and decision-making, as well as behavioural economics, for which he was awarded the 2002 Nobel prize provides brilliant advice on negotiations:

Negotiations are not about trying to convince the other guy, it’s about trying to understand them. It’s slowing yourself down and not doing what comes to you naturally. What is it that you can do to make it easy for them to move your way

Negotiation Strategy #5: Develop Win-Win solutions

Negotiation doesn’t have to be a win-lose affair in which one side must compromise to let the other have their way.

Using an objective criteria to make a decision, both sides can lay out their views on the table and discuss the ones with conflict of opinions.

Start with a positive tone and avoid resistance by being impatient or pushing harder on the issue. Show strong signs of collaboration by practicing silence and giving time to the other party to evaluate your proposal.

If what you originally desired doesn’t seem feasible at the moment, be open to evaluate other options. Find out the timeframe in which the decision can be revisited, learn what you need to do to succeed in your goals and work out a feedback mechanism between now and then.

In certain situations, your immediate manager could be biased or incompetent. If they do not offer you a path forward, it might be time to reach out to someone higher in the organisation and negotiate with them instead. A few key points to manage it effectively:

Do not bypass your manager. Keep them in the loop. Inform them of the decision instead of seeking permission. Be polite while stating your intent. A simple note can be “I appreciate you taking time to discuss and share your observations with me. This issue is very important to me and I need further advice to think clearly. I plan to have a discussion with a “so-and-so” person in the organisation. I thought of letting you know”
Follow all the steps laid out above while speaking to someone higher up in the organisation. Additionally, be super cautious with words. Do not speak ill of your manager. Remember, the discussion is not about your manager. It’s about you and it’s important to keep the discussion focused on it. State facts and how you seek their help to find the path for you in the company.
In the end, things may not actually work out. Be prepared to walk out if it’s something very important and non-negotiable for you.

Practice the art of negotiations in your day-to-day work. Start small and then develop the confidence to chase bigger goals. Set up a routine to introspect how you did last time and determine what you can do better.