Active Listening: Key to Effective Communication

Active listening, also called effective or attentive listening is a way of learning through conversation. Active communication requires comprehending the message by going beyond words to intention and non-verbal communication.

Learning to listen in communication unleashes creative energy and enables productive collaboration that forms the basis of meaningful relationships. It can enable powerful coaching which can lead to better problem solving.

The feeling of not being heard can stop people from sharing or withholding useful information thereby preventing us from seeing a better version of reality. Active listening on the other hand unlocks the natural flow from inside to the outside as it builds a connection through trust.  

Our cognitive biases in the form of personal filters through our thoughts and beliefs can impede communication. Most of the time we simply hear the other person, apply the information in our context and think about what to say next (yes, we do it all the time) even before the other person has finished speaking. 

Cognitive bias impedes our ability to listen to what the other person has to say or in some cases intends to say. We do selective listening with the belief that we already know enough and choose to remember only the information relevant to us. 

This isn’t active listening!

What Stephen R. Covey writes in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is so relevant to effective communication “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”

3 Levels of Listening

Before we develop the active listening skills and techniques, it’s crucial to understand the different levels of listening. I want to share 3 levels of listening from book Co-Active Coaching that I find very insightful. We move across these levels depending on our focus area during the conversation. 

Level 1 Internal Listening 

In internal listening, we listen to speak, instantly and unconsciously.

At this level, what we hear and how we respond is largely influenced by our own thoughts and emotions. We pay more attention to what’s going on inside us and less to the outside. Our mind wanders away from listening to the other person to our own voice – I know what this person is going to say, I already have the answers, this doesn’t seem right. 

Other distractions (both internal and external) also preoccupy our mind as we do not make conscious effort to stop them. These little voices in our head prevents us from focusing on the other person – Last meeting was a waste of time, I need to send that email right after this discussion, I feel so tired and a cup of coffee might help. 

We hear part of the conversation, miss the critical information and respond at the first chance with our opinions and judgements. 

This is the most natural form of listening and we stay in this mode unless we make an effort to shift to the next level. 

Level 2 Focused Listening 

In focused listening, we listen to understand, channeling all our energy to pay attention to the other person and their words. 

We take a keen interest in the other person and hear everything they have to say. We learn to stop our personal filters from attaching additional meaning to their words in the form of judgements.

At this level, our thoughts may wander away to other activities going on in our mind, but we make a conscious effort to block them out and bring our focus back to the discussion. 

We do not speak unless we have heard them. 

Level 3 Global Listening 

In global listening, we listen to learn, beyond words or what’s being said. As Peter Drucker said “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said”.

Global listening is an extension of Level 2. At this level, we become conscious of our environment and its energy to listen to non-verbal communication. We start to take note of other aspects of the conversation like emotions, tone, reaction, openness to share or reluctance to give information. 

The subtle cues in the form of facial expression and body language enriches the information that helps us get to the underlying message or intent of the conversation.

This level can be achieved with experience and practice. 

Try this: Next time you are in a conversation with someone, it might be interesting to observe which level you use. This form of conscious intervention will help you apply some of the techniques I am going to discuss next. 

How to Develop Active Listening Skills

Active listening was one of the hardest skills for me to learn and something that I still practice everyday. I was introduced to the concept while reading about the importance of listening as a way to communicate with the child. It was so impressive and substantive that it made me realise I was a poor listener for a large part of my life. I was instantly hooked on the idea of active listening as a powerful way to communicate both at home and workplace. 

It played an important role for me in building workplace relationships and trust that boosted productivity and performance of my people. It helped me uncover issues that would have otherwise never surfaced and attend to them at the right time. 

It can help you too. Once you learn the importance of active listening and experience its benefits, you would not want to do it any other way. Much like other skills, it requires practice and awareness. 

I designed this skill as 3 steps of active listening to help me remember and apply effectively during conversations:

Step 1: Gather verbal and non-verbal data without applying personal filters

Listen actively to the other person’s words and what they intend through a reflection of their mood, tone, body language and facial expressions. Are they happy and excited or sad and angry? Is their tone high on energy or low on energy than usual? Do they seem comfortable or anxious?

Before the discussion, remind yourself of your personal biases and keep a check on them throughout the conversation. Simply listen without attaching any meaning or drawing any interpretation from what you observe and hear. 

Avoid all distractions and commit yourself to be both physically and mentally present. Say this out loud a few times in your own head “I commit myself to be present in wholeness”. It helps. Your mind may still wander away, but you can learn to catch it and bring your focus back to the discussion. 

By practicing it multiple times, it will become easier to not only listen to the other person but also retain a large part of the information. 

Step 2: Draw meaningful insights

Holding so much information in our brain without comprehending can be emotionally challenging at first. But, it does give way to better insights later. 

Once you have all the verbal and non-verbal data, process it with additional context. Apply your previous knowledge about the person or situation and take cues from the current information to determine what the person intends to say. 

Place less weight on language and choice of words and more on the emotions to get to the underlying message they wish to communicate.

While drawing these insights, ask yourself “Is this what I observed and heard or is it a biased view limited by my own beliefs and experiences”. This form of powerful questioning can shift us to find more meaningful insights.

Step 3: Engage actively 

Active engagement throughout the conversation can make the person feel “heard” and open them up to sharing more details. 

Ask really good follow up questions to analyse the situation. As much as you may be tempted to provide solutions, hold yourself back. In most cases, good open ended questions help a person find a solution to a problem on their own. And just because it’s their own idea, they will feel more committed to making a change. Refer to Paloma Medina’s Deeper Questions for a great list.

If you find them stuck or struggling with solutions, offer your advice and seek feedback on their thoughts about it. 

Habits to Adopt Active Listening Technique

Active listening is a lot of hard work that requires continuous practice and training of the mind, managing human reactions, understanding what’s said in its entirety and not only what’s relevant to us. To actively listen requires awareness as a starting point followed by willingness to take small steps. You may find yourself not doing active listening on multiple occasions, get agitated or confused at times when not sure on how to proceed. That’s fine, don’t beat yourself up.

I will share a few important habits that I learnt over the years through numerous conversations that helped me adopt and develop active listening skills. Listen to learn, actively and purposefully by practicing these habits in your day-to-day life:

• Control and self discipline your mind, don’t let it get distracted by other thoughts
• Allow the person to finish their thoughts before responding. Avoid interruptions as much as possible
• Practice silence and watch how it affects the other person and leads to better information
• Slow down and give chance to the person to explore and express their thoughts
• Train your brain to grasp the information and retain it
• Keep the discussion about the idea or issue brought up by the person. Do not make it about yourself
• Cognitive biases impacts our behaviour and actions. Be aware of personal filters and prejudices and do not let them impair your judgement 
• Don’t speak too soon. Take time to process the information and then craft a careful response

I draw my inspiration from what M. Scott Peck wrote in his book, The Road Less Traveled “For true listening, no matter how brief, requires tremendous effort. You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time”

Begin by identifying 1-2 areas to start to improve your attention span and slowly move to others as you learn along the way. When you notice positive changes around, you will know it’s working. 

Being an attentive listener will enable better connections and relationships with people. So do not stop, continue to practice.

Recommended Reading

Active Listening Examples 

I want to share a few examples to help you understand how active listening benefits us. Let’s do this simple active listening exercise as a conversation between 2 people:

John: I don’t want to work on this project anymore. I think it’s time that I use my skills in other areas. Can you give me something else to work on? 

John’s manager: This is a great project. I trust you and believe that you will do a good job of it. Once you complete it, we can discuss other projects where your skills will be helpful.

In this instance, John’s manager heard a part of the message where John talked about the desire to use his skills in other areas. He completely ignored the fact that he did not want to work on the current project  (selective listening). He also gave a prompt suggestion without trying to understand why John feels this way (bias towards action). 

Now, let’s apply effective listening to this conversation.

John:  I don’t want to work on this project anymore. I think it’s time that I use my skills in other areas. Can you give me something else to work on? 

John’s Manager: John, I sense that something about this project is upsetting you. When we started, you were very excited about it, but I don’t notice the same excitement anymore. Can you help me understand if you are facing some challenges with this project.

John: Yes, you are right. I am upset. Other teams do not finish their work on time and I have to follow up multiple times to even get the smallest changes done. This is not productive for me.

John’s manager: I hear that working with other teams is turning out to be challenging for you. You feel unproductive by having to follow up multiple times. I appreciate that you brought this up. Would you be open to share some of the things you have tried to solve this problem?

By reflecting on John’s feelings and asking a good question on the issue he is facing, his manager surfaces out the actual issue that needs attention and encourages John to find his own solutions. This shifts John from feeling upset to engaging using a problem solving mindset.   

Let’s consider another example of active listening between a customer and a customer service representative (CSR):

Customer: I placed an order 5 days back. I was promised that order will be delivered by tomorrow. It’s my daughter’s birthday and I had ordered a gift for her. Yesterday I got the message that the order is delayed by 2 days due to some unforeseen circumstances. I did not expect this service. This order will be of no use to me after 2 days.

CSR: I am really sorry that your order is delayed. Due to some delivery issues in the backend, we won’t be able to deliver this order by tomorrow. Would you like to cancel the order?

Customer service representative applied her own interpretation to the customer’s words and feelings. Customer never mentioned that he wanted to cancel the order. He simply stated that it won’t be of any use to him after 2 days. However, CSR suggested if the customer would like to cancel the order (translation and giving it her own meaning). She was too quick to act without evaluating other options. She applied bias from her previous experience where most of the customers cancel in such cases (personal filters at play).

Now, let’s see how this conversation goes with active listening.

Customer: I placed an order 5 days back. I was promised that order will be delivered by tomorrow. It’s my daughter’s birthday and I had ordered a gift for her. Yesterday I got the message that the order is delayed by 2 days due to some unforeseen circumstances. I did not expect this service. This order will be of no use to me after 2 days.

CSR: Congrats on your daughter’s birthday. I am really sorry to hear that your order is delayed by 2 days. I understand that this might upset her. Would you like to discuss other options?

Customer: What other options do you have?

CSR: I can help you find other products that can be delivered under our 1 day delivery program by tomorrow. I will waive off the extra delivery fees to get a gift for your daughter in time. 

By using active listening skills, customer service representative acknowledges the customer’s feeling and engage with them to address their core issue – get a gift for their daughter on time. 

Active listening is the most effective communication that opens us to explore new possibilities without  being limited by our experiences and beliefs. Do you listen actively? What are some of the active listening techniques that you employ at work and in life. Write to me or share your thoughts in the comments below.