How to Handle an Aggressive Manager
Aggressive managers aren’t easy. Working with them may leave you feeling overwhelmed, fill you with self-doubt and lower your self-worth.
It is like running on a treadmill that just never stops.
Bigger, better goals.
More responsibilities.
Higher expectations.
Just when you’re about to heave a sigh of relief, a new challenge is thrown your way. You dread coming to the office with the worry of what awaits you and how you’re barely going to make it through the day.
Playing along with an aggressive manager by giving in to their demands not only wreaks havoc on your confidence, it makes you hate work you loved at first.
The aggressive person fights. The passive one runs away. But the assertive person stands ground, assesses the situation, adapts, and acts with purpose and passion. Be that person.
— Charles F Glassman
While aggressive managers are difficult, they aren’t impossible to work with. With the right strategies, you can turn them around while also learning valuable lessons along the way.
Don’t mistake aggressiveness for toxicity
An aggressive manager is not bad news because they can help accelerate your career by enabling you to build skills that will serve you well throughout your career.
They can teach you to handle high pressure situations well, stay resilient in the face of challenges and turn obstacles into opportunities.
But it’s important to differentiate between a manager who cares about your growth from the one who only thinks of themselves.
Do they challenge you, expect you to push boundaries and strive for excellence or do they display toxic behaviors such as shouting, manipulation, bullying, exploiting boundaries and other such harmful behaviors that are detrimental to your mental health and personal well-being?
Aggression can sometimes be mistaken for toxicity especially if your manager’s expectations challenge you to step outside your comfort zone.
Even if they mean well, their drive, determination and passion can be daunting at times.
Managers who challenge you and push you to strive for excellence are hard to find. So, stop blaming, complaining and sobbing, and find ways to align with them on mutually agreeable goals.
To do this, start with understanding what motivates them to be this way by digging deeper and taking note of their non-verbal cues (tone, voice, hand gestures, facial expressions):
- Is it their need to be in control?
- Do they tend to prioritize results over relationships?
- Do they usually come off as assertive, direct, and quick to make decisions?
- Do they tend to overrule others’ opinions because they want things done their way?
- Do they operate with a sense of urgency and expect efficiency in every interaction?
Understanding the source of your manager’s aggression or specific behaviors they demonstrate can enable you to find ways to work with them instead of wasting time in resenting them or feeling sorry for yourself.
Stay in control
Working with an aggressive manager can leave you feeling helpless, hopeless and out of control.
Lack of control can make you adopt a self-defeating goal. You may:
- Respond to their aggression with aggression.
- Wallow in self-pity by feeling sorry for your situation without doing anything to improve your situation.
- Refuse to put in the effort with the mindset that it won’t be good enough.
- Give up when you hit a roadblock or are challenged to face unexpected situations.
Desire to have more control at work while not taking the steps to regain that control can be one of the biggest hidden causes of burnout at work.
Lack of control creates a cycle of avoidance, helplessness and discomfort which leads to further inaction and a self-fulfilling prophecy in your own beliefs.
To feel in control, shift from circle of concern to circle of influence.
Circle of concern includes things that you are concerned about but have no control over. Spending time and energy here can lead to feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and increased feelings of victimization.
Circle of control includes things that you have direct control over and things that you may not completely control, but can influence in significant ways. Spending time and energy here can improve mental health, build resilience and promote overall well-being.
For example, you cannot control what your manager says or does, but you can control how you react to them.
Circle of Control Workbook
Let go of negativity and rumination by embracing things within your control.
Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their Circle of Influence to increase.
Reactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern. They focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their Circle of Influence to shrink.
— Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Become proactive. Never stop believing in your ability to influence the outcome. Let go of things outside your control, shift your energy to things you can change or influence.
Choose words carefully
While speaking to an aggressive manager, the words you choose play a crucial role in determining whether your manager listens to you or disregards your concerns.
Using confrontational language or defensive arguments can trigger negative feelings which can intensify their aggression and make them turn against you.
Also, saying things in a manner that challenges their authority or comes across as rude and disrespectful makes them much more likely to stick to their original argument even when they know you’re right and they’re wrong.
Be mindful of your language to avoid escalating tension. Don’t:
- Use generalizing words like “always” and “never.” They are likely to cause more conflict.
- Use words that challenge their character like bad, demanding, rude.
- Pass judgment with words like mistake, failure, unacceptable.
- Accuse or blame them with things like “You’re wrong” or “It’s your fault.”
- Use a sarcastic or a confrontational tone.
- Pass statements that undermine their authority.
- Use emotionally charged language like ridiculous, absurd, pathetic, useless.
Any attempt to attack, defend, or withdraw will work against you. Instead, you must restrain these reactive tendencies, find the courage to stand your ground, and then step forward in the face of this determined opposition.
— Rick Brinkman, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand
Use calm, neutral language. Show up with a confident tone of voice and positive body language. Speak in an unhurried way. Slowly and clearly state your concerns, opinions or whatever it is you need to say.
Instead of: It’s impossible to do in this timeframe.
Say: I have concerns about the suggested timelines to finish this project. While I understand the need to move fast, the reason we shouldn’t commit to them is because …
Instead of: It will never work.
Say: I understand why you are leaning towards this option. It’s definitely highly beneficial to business. However, we also need to assess the risk and impact on business if it doesn’t work. Here’s why I think implementing this might be a challenge…
When you come across as calm and confident to others, they respond in kind. It also ensures that your message is well received and not ignored as soon as it comes out of your mouth.
Seek their advice
Most aggressive managers lead with a strong opinion, which means they not only have a high regard for their ideas, but also appreciate those who seek them.
When disagreeing with an aggressive manager or sharing your concerns, instead of ending with your thoughts, seek their opinion.
Asking for their advice shifts their frame of mind from problem to solution. When put on the spot to answer a difficult question or make a difficult decision, they are more likely to be rational, less biased and may even agree with your opinion.
You don’t have to please them in order to be liked or to get something from them. Be genuine when asking for advice because they can make out when you’re authentic and when you’re manipulating them to have it your way.
Being nice is blocking you from standing up for yourself, being honest with others, creating deeper relationships, or boldly expressing yourself in the world.
— Aziz Gazipura, Not Nice
Frame your concerns or questions in a way that invites them to share their ideas without getting defensive.
What’s your perspective on…?
How would you deal with…?
What would you do in this situation…?
What’s your suggestion?
Getting your manager’s advice is a great way to redirect their thoughts in the direction you want. Even thinking momentarily about your question makes it more likely for them to lean towards your suggestions or the outcomes you want.
Communicate your boundaries
Aggressive managers enjoy boundaryless freedom because it enables them to manipulate your time and energy in ways that suit them.
Your personal boundaries involve setting limits and defining expectations on what you will and will not tolerate.
Unspoken boundaries are often invisible—easy to violate as they’re based on each person’s own life experience. If your manager is aggressive, not setting boundaries is a recipe for disaster.
Clearly laying out these boundaries is important because your manager can’t give you what you need unless you take the initiative and clearly communicate your priorities and expectations.
To do this, communicate your needs by setting healthy boundaries and discussing them with your manager:
- What is non-negotiable—things you won’t compromise on. These if not met will significantly impact your well-being.
- What are some of the things you’re flexible about and willing to change if the situation demands it?
- What kind of responsibilities can you handle and what kind of tasks do not align with your goals?
- What are your limits—things you can realistically achieve.
Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
— Henry Cloud, Boundaries
Setting boundaries will send a clear signal to your manager on what you will and will not tolerate. If your manager refuses to respect them, it might be time to quit. Anything that compromises with your mental well-being isn’t worth it.
Summary
- Working with an aggressive manager has pros and cons. On one hand, they can teach you valuable skills (resilience, negotiation, excellence) that can help you excel in your career. On the other hand, giving in to all their demands can make you exhausted, resentful and may even lead to burnout.
- Understanding your manager’s intent is important because it helps you identify if your manager’s aggression is aligned with the desire to help you learn, grow and excel or they only care about achieving outcomes without any regard for its impact on your career.
- The most likely feeling you develop when working with an aggressive manager is a sense of lack of control. You may feel like you have only two choices—either to agree to their demands or to quit. This thinking prevents you from finding productive ways to work with them. To develop a sense of control in difficult situations, shift from circle of control to circle of influence. Find out what you can do to influence their decision and what you must let go.
- When communicating your disagreement or voicing your concern, pay special attention to your words. How you speak to them plays a crucial role in determining whether your message is taken constructively or it’s misconstrued and then used in a negative way towards you.
- A great way to seek your manager’s attention is to ask for their advice. It makes them more likely to hear your ideas, concerns or suggestions and agree on a solution that’s aligned with your goals.
- Don’t blame your aggressive manager for not respecting your boundaries if you haven’t explicitly communicated them. Defining boundaries with them ensures they pay attention to your needs instead of defaulting to what they deem right or assume is good for your growth.
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