Stop Over-Apologizing at Work

May 16, 2024

Apologizing at work is necessary in certain situations. But what if instead of saying sorry when it’s needed, you say it way too often.

I’m sorry to disturb you…

I’m sorry to ask you again, but…

I’m sorry for not responding sooner…

Saying sorry may seem polite, but apologizing even when it’s not required can hurt your image and credibility—you may come across as defensive, submissive, or someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.

Saying sorry isn’t about being kind to others or not having an ego, both of which are important qualities to have at work, it stems from a place of insecurity or your desire to be liked and accepted by others.

Saying sorry for trivial matters or taking responsibility for things beyond your control not only makes you come across as a person with low confidence, it actually lowers your confidence too.

As Lao Tzu famously said “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

What you think and say is who you become. Apologizing can become an unconscious habit if you let the ‘sorry’ word slip too often from your mouth and don’t pay attention to how often you use it.

Over-apologizing hurts your career. Absolutely apologize when it’s necessary. Just don’t do it for things that don’t merit an apology in the workplace. Do it for the right reasons so that your apology is not only accepted, but also valued. Use these 3 steps to do it well.

Tap into your inner dialogue

Recognizing when you should and shouldn’t say ‘sorry’ is the first step to counter your tendency to over-apologize.

Consult with your inner voice before speaking up. Is it asking you to say ‘sorry.’ Why?

Is it out of fear of not being accepted or not being liked?
Does the situation demand that you apologize? Why?
Would the apology be genuine?

Apologize only when the situation demands it and for no other reason.

Don’t apologize when:

Asking questions, seeking clarifications or seeking additional information.
Sending reminders or following up on requests.
Sharing disagreement or a difference of opinion.
Asking for help or someone’s time and attention.
Joining a conversation to express your views or speaking up in a meeting.
You made a small mistake or acted in a way that doesn’t harm anyone.
Receiving or giving feedback.
Not meeting expectations for things beyond your control.

Apologize when you:

Lost your calm and were rude to others.
Made an avoidable mistake that impacted others or the organization tremendously.
Couldn’t keep up your commitment which impacted others in significant ways.
Lied about something or acted in a way that could hurt or harm others.

Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem.
— Paulo Coelho

Knowing which situations deserve an apology and which ones don’t can prevent you from putting yourself down in front of others by spurting out sorry when it’s not needed.

Take responsibility, don’t make excuses

Apologizing the wrong way is worse than not apologizing at all. When you try to justify your behavior or outcome and refuse to take responsibility, your apology turns ineffective and useless.

Using excuses can also backfire because others can often see that you’re not being genuine and just putting on a show which can make you come across as untrustworthy, deceitful and inauthentic.

Don’t use excuses to justify your behavior or cover up your mistakes. Own the outcome, take responsibility.

For example:

Instead of: I am sorry for the delay. I understand that you were dependent on me to finish your work. I wasn’t able to complete my task because I got pulled into another requirement. There’s no way I could have met my commitment with all that additional work assigned to me.
Say this: I am sorry for the delay. I understand that you were dependent on me to finish your work. I wasn’t able to complete my task because I got pulled into another requirement. However, I should have worked with you and my manager to clarify and realign on expectations. I am going to take care of this going forward. What can I do now or how can I help to fix the impact of my delay on your work?

Instead of: I am sorry for shouting at you in the meeting. I lost my calm because your design had some serious flaws and it appeared that you didn’t spend sufficient time thinking about the problem. I don’t expect you to waste everyone’s time with a half-baked design.
Say this: I am sorry for shouting at you in the meeting. I understand that your design wasn’t inline with my expectations as we discovered several serious flaws during the discussion. I could have communicated my disappointment without blurting out at you. My behavior was unacceptable and I am going to work on it. Going forward, can you agree to clarify expectations and seek my inputs on a draft version before inviting everyone else?

Instead of: I am sorry for releasing the code to production with a severe bug. I know that it impacted a large customer base. But please understand that I was under a lot of pressure from everyone to meet the launch deadline. I didn’t get sufficient time to test.
Say this: I am sorry for releasing the code to production with a severe bug. I know that it impacted a large customer base. Even though I was dealing with a lot of pressure from everyone to meet the launch deadline, I shouldn’t have pushed code without thorough testing. Going forward, I am going to inform you if we aren’t able to meet the release dates due to any reason. We can then work out a strategy and decide the next steps while keeping everyone in the loop on the decision. Is there something else you expect me to do?

Once people stop making excuses, stop blaming others, and take ownership of everything in their lives, they are compelled to take action to solve their problems. They are better leaders, better followers, more dependable and actively contributing team members, and more skilled in aggressively driving toward mission accomplishment. But they’re also humble—able to keep their egos from damaging relationships and adversely impacting the mission and the team.
— Jocko Willink, Extreme Ownership

Don’t ruin an apology with an excuse or reasoning. Taking accountability for your actions and expressing it is the only way to get your apology accepted and prevent the situation from repeating again.

Use language that’s not self-deprecating

Language used while communicating—irrespective of whether you’re conveying good or bad news—plays a crucial role in determining how others perceive and treat you. You may think that acting as a victim or using words that puts you down will make others go easy on you, but using self-deprecating language has quite the opposite effect.

My bad. I’m a fool for not seeing it sooner.

Sorry. I am a terrible person for missing you in the invite.

Forgive me please. You must understand I didn’t have a choice.

Putting yourself in a bad light does not help you score brownie points or make others sympathize with you. Rather, it paints a picture that makes you look undeserving, incompetent and timid. No one respects a person who doesn’t respect themselves. No one trusts a person who radiates low self-confidence and self-esteem.

A temporary lapse of judgment does not make you inadequate, unworthy or undeserving of other’s trust and respect. An apology can be delivered without compromising on your pride and dignity. Stick to facts. Use language that does not involve character assassination or passing personal remarks.

For example:

Instead of: My bad. I’m a fool for not seeing it sooner.
Say this: I lost the opportunity to fix the problem when it was relatively small by not paying attention to it at the right time. I let it slide too long and that has made the problem worse. It’s a learning lesson for me. Henceforth, I will give proper attention to issues at the right time and seek support if it’s something I cannot handle on my own.

Insead of: Sorry. I am a terrible person for missing you in the invite.
Say this: In a hurry to send out an invite for the product launch meeting, I missed your name. I acknowledge that you should have been part of that meeting and that I need to be more careful. I will double-check meeting invitees going forward so that such a mistake does not repeat. Meanwhile, let me share meeting notes with you to help you get up to speed on the discussion before the next catch up. If you have any questions, please let me know.

Instead of: Forgive me please. You must understand I didn’t have a choice. I got caught up in an important issue in production. It went on till late in the night…I was so tired and exhausted [using victim language to explain why you behaved a certain way].
Say this: I promised to help you resolve the bug yesterday. However, I got caught up in an important issue in production. While it was crucial for me to pay attention to the problem, the least I could have done was inform you of the change in my priorities. You could have headed home instead of waiting for me and wasting your time. I’m going to be more careful of my commitments going forward. Can we set up another time to look at the issue you were facing?

Having a low opinion of yourself is not ‘modesty.’ It’s self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not ‘egotism.’ It’s a necessary precondition to happiness and success.
—Bobbe Sommer

Never belittle yourself or engage in drama and victim mentality when apologizing. All that whining, blaming, shame, self-consciousness, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy will not get you a free pass on bad behavior or make others ignore the thing you shouldn’t have done. Only a sincere and heartfelt apology can do it. Compel others to respect you with self-respect, not by losing it.

Ending with this thought from Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.”

Summary

Very few situations at work warrant apology. Saying sorry when it’s not needed can hurt your reputation and credibility.
Apologizing does not make you more likable or deserving of others forgiveness. Rather, it can ruin your career by making you come across as a person with low confidence and low self-esteem.
If you have the habit of saying sorry often, even when you don’t mean it, the first step to stop apologizing unnecessarily is to connect with your inner voice—identify why it’s expecting you to say sorry. Express an apology only when the situation really demands it.
Using excuses to justify your behavior or cover up the mistakes you made makes you come across as dishonest and untrustworthy. When apologizing, respect and trust can be gained only by taking responsibility for your actions or the outcomes you achieved.
Putting yourself down may seem like a good strategy to gain others sympathy and avoid having to face the shame and humiliation associated with feelings of saying sorry, but using self-deprecating language does no good to you and others. Apologize without compromising on your self-worth and self-esteem.